Funnies...

So, I hope we're all good with this thread... The jokes/funnies/phunnies I post here will be representative of me.
Feel free to add here also, but remember... not our "sandbox", so please consider this...

I do "try" to keep things clean, but sometimes I may throw in "a little something"...
Don't worry, nothing totally off color... but if anyone objects, please do let me know and I'll take it down.

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A neighbor, right down the street from me, had company arrive for Christmas... The whole family showed up!

 

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal-white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much by the end of winter that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! We had 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Explorer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but I won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but we had another 14" of the stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think he's is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she ... nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6." Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch that guy who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his hair. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. SHE is driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. Another 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?


 

 

The humans that paid, are the art...


SWest post=907188 userid=43940
 




 

Well-Planned Retirement...
Funny, but untrue story:

Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant... The fees for cars ($1.40), for buses (about $7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo's own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee. The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, or France, or Italy, is a man who'd apparently had a ticket booth installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars... and no one even knows his name.

 

 

Good Ridin'
slmjim & Z1BEBE

   About ~15 years ago, a couple very near & dear to us gave us their then-old 7" pre-lit Christmas tree.  Label on the box sez it's lit with 650(!) 2.5v white incandescent mini-lights on about a dozen strings.  No date on the box but, we're guessing it's circa ~1990 or so.  Don't know how many hrs. they used the lights.  We're guessing we've put roughly 4,000 hrs. on the lights since we've had it.  We liked all those white incandescent pinpoints of light.
    The last few years the lights have become increasingly cantankerous.  Finding single burned out bulbs among 650 lights in & around a 7' tree was often an exercise in futility.  Even the piezo pistol contraption that shocks the bulbs' shunts in the strings has been challenged.  The OEM lighting has finally became more hassle than it's worth this year, so we decided to strip all 650 lights & strings off of it when we disassembled it for storage as prep for re-stringing the tree next yr. with all-new, warm white LED's & a smattering of colored LED's.
   Now that they've been removed, the cranky old lights won't make the tree so sad looking & it's now happy. Guess one could say
v
v
v
v
v
the tree
v
v
v
v
v
is now
v
v
v
v
v
wait for it
v
v
v
v
v
delighted.

Couldn't resist.
We'll get our caps & let ourselves out the door now.

Good Ridin'
slmjim & Z1BEBE