Funnies...

A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball.

The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid.

The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral.

The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.

 

Are you a geek?

I’d tell you a UDP joke, but you may not get it.

I prefer IP jokes; it’s all in the delivery.

I could tell you a joke about TCP, but I’d have to keep repeating it until you got it.


 

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

 

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?”

I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”

“Great” she said. ”Can you watch my dog?”

 

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbor is."

 

Young guy is at a bar and meets a woman quite a bit older, but still really hot and sexy.  After drinking and dancing all evening they decide to go back to her place.  When they get to the door, she says "let's be real wild tonight.  Do you want to do it with a mother and daughter at the same time?"  Wow, he thinks if she's still hot, the daughter must be a knockout! "Oh yeah!" he replies.  She opens the front door and turning on the light she shouts: "Ma, you still up?"

One day while an aging Biker Bob is out on his moped, a young man goes out and buys the best car available in the U.S. or Europe, a 2026 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $700,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light.

Biker Bob on his moped, pulls up next to him. Then Biker Bob looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, Sonny?"

The dude replies, "A 2026 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $700,000."

"That’s a lotta money!" says the Biker Bob, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

Biker Bob asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So Biker Bob pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, Biker Bob says, "That’s a pretty nice car, alright!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decided to show the Biker Bob what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320.

Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Whhoooooooossssshhhh! Something whips by him! Going 2 or 3 times as fast as he is! The guy wonders, "What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?"

Then, up ahead of him, he sees another dot coming toward him. Whoooosssh! It flew by him even faster than the first, and it almost looked like the Biker Bob on the moped! "Couldn’t be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep?"

But, before he could ponder any longer, he sees yet another dot approaching in his rearview mirror! WhoooosssshhhhKa-BbbblaMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out, and it IS Biker Bob! Of course, the moped and the Biker Bob are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to Biker Bob and says, "You’re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

Biker Bob replies, "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

 

An old woman knocks on the door of a biker club house. A brawny biker opens the door. The woman says, “ I would like to join your club. The biker chuckles and says , we have some requirements. First you must have a bike . “ The woman points to the street and sure enough there is a beautiful pan head. The biker says, “ You have have at least one tattoo. “ The woman turns around and drops her pants and sure enough she has a tattoo on her ass. The biker says, “ okay, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz ?” The woman pauses a moment, “ no I have never been picked up by the fuzz ,but I have been swung around by my nipplles .”

Damn spell-check bit me again. I needed a ride and texted for an Uber. They sent me a Yugo.

 

When Biker Bob was little his Mom asked him, as they were on the way to church "Why is is it important to be quiet in church?" Little Biker Bob immediately replied "Because people are sleeping."

How Biker Bob ended up in jail...

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, Biker Bob pulled in behind the State Troopers car. Being a drunken good old boy he stood there watching the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking Bob what he thought he was doing.

Biker Bob replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test
 

Biker Bob at the local coffee shop...

Customer #1: “Thank God, this line is taking forever.”

(There is no line at all, although the tables are mostly occupied.)

Clerk: “Sorry about the wait, sir. May I take your order?”

(The customer proceeds to rattle off a long, confusing, and often contradictory order, including such things as a meatless ham sandwich.)

Clerk: “Sir, I’m a little confused by your order. Do you mean—”

Customer #1: “—oh for God’s sake, I have to repeat myself now? Weren’t you paying attention the first time?”
Clerk: “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t want to get anything wrong. You made a big order, and—”

Customer #1: *sighs* “I’ll repeat myself, but just this once. I hate dealing with lazy ignorant dropouts like you.”

(He repeats his order, but she understands it even less because she is trying not to cry. He finishes speaking and snaps his fingers at me.)

Customer #1: “Hello?! Punch it in, you dumb b****. I haven’t got all day, and—”

(Suddenly Biker Bob, a strongly-built man who has been quietly sitting at a nearby table, roars and leaps to his feet, flipping the table and spilling his coffee in the process.)

Biker Bob: “GOD-D*** IT! ONE DAY OUT OF PRISON, AND ALREADY I HAVE TO MURDER AN IDIOT IN A COFFEE STORE!”

(The rude customer shrieks and flees from the store. I and the remaining customers stare at the man, who quietly picks up the table and comes over to the counter.)

Biker Bob: “I’ll pay for any damage. If you could show me where the mops are, I’ll take care of the mess too.”

Clerk: “I-I-I, um…”

Biker Bob: “Don’t worry about it, sweetheart. There’s always gonna be an a** like that around.”

Clerk: “Uh, you, um…”

Biker Bob: “Oh, the prison thing?” *laughs* “Never been in jail in my life. So, anyway, where’s that mop?”