Boy I sure know how to make an easy thing hard.
The problem arose from my misunderstanding of the first line of instruction in the first post of the thread. "Put on the cylinder head gasket with the wider bore grommets in the gasket facing up"
I still do not know what that means. On one side the bore grommet is "wider" in the sense that 4-5 mm of metal is exposed. The other side is narrower in the sense that only maybe 3 mm of metal is present. But the "bore" as far as I can tell is exactly the same on both sides, so this messed me up.
Long story short, being focused on the grommet aspect I didn't look closely at the rest of the gasket, which I was attempting to install upside down, because I hadn't noticed the corner holes are different sizes. Once flipped over the small holes fit perfectly over the knock pins, and the wider holes let the O-rings sit perfectly in their little nests. Problem solved, except I still don't know WTH they meant by "wider bore".
EDIT: OK, now it all makes sense. There are 2 or 3 ways to put the gasket on wrong, some of them are double-wrong, and only 1 right way. The head is on, and the gasket and O-rings are on properly, I am 100% certain. Because of imprints on the old gasket I can also say with 100% certainty that I put it on wrong 2 years ago. I wonder if that affected the poor running <scratches his head>